Tribes of Five

You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.

I'm challenging that math.

When we're young, this is a simpler concept. As kids, we're amateurs in everything that we do. We're not focused on building careers, portfolios, or "hard skills". Essentially, we're just learning how to be fully formed humans. So when parents stress over their kids' peer group, it's with good reason. Kids are 360 degrees of impressionable. They’re constantly being exposed to new things, and their peers play an outsized role in shaping those formative years. So, as parents, really what you want is your kids to be around good kids. Peers that will be a good influence in all aspects of your child's life: school, socially, extra-curricular activities, etc. It isn't about accomplishment. It's about character.

As we grow up, this becomes more nuanced. I have way more layers to my life now than I did twenty years ago. School, sports, work hard, have fun...that was about it for the first half of my life. It's easier to find a peer group to align yourself with when your ambitions are pretty simple.

Now, my life is beautifully more complex, chaotic, and stressful. I have the privileges and obligations that come with being a parent, a husband, an employee, a provider, a boss...all while maintaining a semblance of who I am as an individual. Some of those layers intersect cleanly; others are occasionally in direct conflict. So how am I supposed to pick my Five People to cover all of those aspects of my life?

I say let Dr. Jekyll and Dr. Hyde decide for themselves. Let Peter Parker and Spiderman both draft a team. Give five picks each to David Bowie and Ziggy Stardust. None of us are one-trick ponies. We're complex creatures. Who should I surround myself with if I'm determined to be the best person I can be? The individuals I consider great people. Who should I spend time with if I want to be a good executive? The most successful business leaders I know. If I want to be super fit, I should hang around people who are committed to their health and fitness. If I want to have a great marriage, shouldn't I surround myself with other men who are in healthy relationships rather than a bunch of bachelors? If I want to maximize my life, I should spend time with those who are maximizing theirs.

When I would scout an athlete, I would pay close attention to what he was doing when he wasn't actively performing. Who did he hang around? How was he spending his time when it was someone else's turn? What did he do in the locker room before a game? These behaviors can be extremely telling. It shows you where their head is and what their priorities are. It gives you a sense of who they are as people, not just athletes.

Look at a pro sports locker room, for example. The social ecosystem inside the clubhouse probably doesn't look like what think it does. The best players on the team don't necessarily congregate together (in fact, they often don't). Position groups don't always stick together. There are a lot of unique dynamics that make up the clubhouse culture. So, if you're an eager rookie, it's not as simple as "I want to be a great player so I'm just going to hang around the best player." It's not that easy. That individual might have significantly more talent than you. They might have been blessed with unique ability that, no matter how much time you spend with them, you won't replicate. Mimicking the guy throwing 98 mph doesn't mean you're going to eventually throw 98, too.

So if talent doesn't transfer through osmosis, what and who should we emulate if we want to optimize ourselves? We need to look deeper; at process more than results. Who are the best teammates? Who are the toughest mentally? Who has a happy home life? Who is maximizing their God-given ability? Who is the most durable? Reliable? Prepared? Consistent? Those are the folks to pay attention to, because those things are largely in our control. We can't change our genetics. But we can change our behavior and environment.

Athletes understand this. Every one of them can look around the locker room and quickly identify the most talented player. That doesn't mean they're going to mimic them. In my experience, the guys who actually drew the biggest following, who commanded the most respect, often weren't the most physically gifted. They were the ones who got the most out of their ability, and did so consistently. Those were the clubhouse leaders. I know I can learn more from the scrappy backup infielder who played 12 years in the Big Leagues than I can from the phenom who does everything at an elite level with ease. The former likely had to work the margins: leverage his strengths, mask his weaknesses, and outwork most to get there, let alone have longevity. The latter could be an perennial All-Star with bad habits and a worse attitude, there simply because God blessed him with incredible talent. Yes, there are still lessons to be learned from the superstar, but those dots can be a little harder to connect for the rest of us.

I do believe in the "Five People" philosophy. I just think it's more nuanced and fragmented, which is a good thing. It gives us freedom. It allows us to diversify. I can embrace something similar to language immersion and surround myself with cutthroat corporate lawyers if I want to sharpen my negotiation skills, then hit the gym after work for a high intensity class workout with a bunch of fitness nuts, before meeting up with a group of dads to volunteer at my local church. Three different peer groups, three different areas of my life where I want to grow.

Don't get me wrong; it's hard. The time management struggle is real. The easiest path is to just choose one lane (career, hobby, social life, etc.) and go full steam ahead, and try your best along the way to find your tribe amongst people in that same lane. But how often is the easiest path the best one? Odds are those other people in that lane have different life priorities than you do. In fact, all you may have in common is that singular lane that you both happen to occupy. They may be an asset to you in that one area, but there's no real growth in that.

So pay attention where you spend your time, and who you spend it with. It's our most valuable asset, and it's finite for all of us. Be intentional. Create your Tribe of Five to make you better. Then go build another one to sharpen you up elsewhere.